I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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