ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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