I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
