Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
