Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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