my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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