All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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