The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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