He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
