Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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