I want to walk on stilts...naked
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
