Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize