She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
