I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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