I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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