I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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