my phone needs a breathalizer
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
