I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Just high enough for therapy.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
