i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i wish my penis had a tongue
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
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