u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
