i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
