i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
