Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
