did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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