someone get that fucking seahorse.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
