I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
