Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
