We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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