My sheets look like a crime scene.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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