I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
We don't watch enough power rangers
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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