If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
