why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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