Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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