I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
