Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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