We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
