I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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