I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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