i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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