Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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