Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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