my phone needs a breathalizer
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
