Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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