After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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