YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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