Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
