Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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