Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize