He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
