who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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