Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
