My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
