rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize