you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
