Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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