i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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